Freelance Writer | NY

We're Not Doing This

 
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I dedicate this series to the family of spiders living under my bed.

 

an aggressive table of contents

THINGS MILLENNIALS ARE DOING INSTEAD OF STARTING A FAMILY AND GETTING A MORTGAGE IN THEIR EARLY TWENTIES

THIS BARN ISN’T MOLDY ENOUGH FOR MY DIY WEDDING

Reasons Why You Could Be Sort of Upset In The Year 2020

THINGS I’VE OVERHEARD PARENTS SAY TO THEIR CHILDREN IN NEW YORK CITY

The Ideal Candidate is a Cardboard Cutout of your soul

is it a loose STRAND OF hair or is it a spider?

THE GREATEST ACTION MOVIE

Dirty New Yorker CartoonS

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THINGS MILLENNIALS ARE DOING INSTEAD OF STARTING A FAMILY AND GETTING A MORTGAGE IN THEIR EARLY TWENTIES

Downloading a dating app and using other human beings as disposable dildos/flesh lights.

Canceling people.

Ghosting people (which is different from canceling people).

Asking a bartender to charge their phone.

Working on their street-wear brand.

Buying almond milk.

Ignoring Duolingo reminders.

Making plans with a very strong and/or hopeful feeling that they'll get canceled.

Starting a Podcast.

Dog sitting to fill an emotional void.

Saying they want a dog, but, like, really can't right now.

Emotionally investing in plants.

Scrolling through Instagram to fall asleep at night.

Going to Tulum, Mexico.

Starting a startup that's not at all like any other startup, but it seriously sounds like every other startup.

Quitting that spiritually draining startup job to go be a ski instructor or something outdoorsy.

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THIS BARN ISN’T MOLDY ENOUGH FOR MY DIY WEDDING

(Inspired by Dwight Schrute from The Office. it Wouldn’t hurt to read this in his voice as the bride)

I knew the day would come when I would cash in every cork I’ve silently collected for years with no particular art project in mind. I’m getting married and it will be a DIY wedding. I’m not hiring a wedding planner or using intimidation tactics to get my maid of honor to plan everything. That one year of art school and a brief foraging phase will be put to use. I won’t dare go down the same traditional path as my sister and book a ballroom at the Hilton Beach Resort in Hollywood, Florida, and serve buffet-style caprese salads. This isn’t a quinceañera.

My fiancé and I have rounded the location down to Duval Street in Key West or the pit of the Grand Canyon. He suggested Key West, but barefoot beach weddings are for heathens and this isn’t spring break. However, he did have a point with the logistics of getting our families to the depths of the Grand Canyon, which would require an army of mules and some of our relatives exceed the weight restriction to ride God’s most unfortunate creatures.  

This is when my fiancé got frustrated and told me I could do whatever I wanted and subsequently drove off to the nearest TGI Fridays. Then it sunk in. I could do whatever I wanted.

I’ve enslaved my youngest nieces and nephews to be a part of the crew for all DIY wedding preparations. All I had to do was loudly ask if they wanted to do something fun and they all cheered without question. When my pre-teen nephew caught on to the fact that crafting 500 origami cranes to cascade over the altar was more work than fun, I introduced him with the word “internship.”

The keystone to any DIY wedding is the barn, which should sound like a pretentious cheese: moldy, aged, and sort of sweaty. I spent weeks searching for the perfect barn and found my match in Tallahassee, Florida. Although we won’t be surrounded by the historic Grand Canyon, it’s about 10 miles south of a biblical sinkhole.

The interior is eerily dark and probably haunted, but we’ll illuminate the inside with paper lanterns I bought from the sale section of Urban Outfitters. I have ordered all of the fixings for my arts and crafts Olympics: a crate of chalk, 10 yards of hemp twine, 20 boxes of dry macaroni, an acre of baby succulents, and every Mason jar available for sale on the Florida Panhandle. The food will be presented in a variety of troughs and the music will be provided by a biracial Lumineers cover band.

Unfortunately, the barn is only available in August, when hurricane season is in full swing. My fiancé is pissed that the weather will be musty and slightly apocalyptic, but we’re just going to have to wing it. I’m not having our wedding in a city where they actively sell shirts that say, “I’m not gay, but $20 is $20.”

-Rejected from Mcsweeny’s internet tendency-

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REASONS WHY YOU COULD BE SORT OF UPSET IN THE YEAR 2020

An ode to the stubborn discontent that does not simply go away with the passing of time

The MTA machines in your subway stop weren’t accepting cryptocurrency this morning.

Your favorite cereal from your childhood just doesn’t taste the same as an adult.

Your facial recognition required for access to Whole Foods was rejected due to an expired credit card on file for your Amazon Prime account. You are now suspended from purchasing groceries at all Whole Foods locations until further notice.

You are kind of tired.

You’ve programmed your iPhone X3 Siri voice to Willem Dafoe and he keeps reminding you that you must update and restart your phone immediately.

It is 105 degrees and your Amazon recommended Organic Sunflower Power Oil Infused Zinc Sunscreen has melted off of your face.

All the polar bears are dead.

David Attenborough is also dead.

The WiFi is doing that thing again.

Barron Trump is on the cover of Forbes this week.

You used the wrong credit card on your latest purchase and missed out on at least 500 excelsior frequent flyer bonus miles on your Super Privileged Celebrity MasterCard that could’ve been a one-way trip to fucking anywhere.

Sometimes the song “Bingo Was His Name-O” gets stuck in your head and you really don’t know why.

You have a headache.

You ordered pain relievers through the app DronezDrop™, but the GPS was slightly off and you had to walk a block and pick it out of the bushes.

Tiny sunglasses are somehow still a thing.

Society’s constant reminder that you only have one life to live surprisingly isn’t making life more livable at all.  

Your one long chin hair has emerged once again.

Despite countless reminders from friends, you still haven’t watched The Handmaid’s Tale.

-Rejected from Mcsweeny’s internet tendency-

THINGS I’VE OVERHEARD PARENTS SAY TO THEIR CHILDREN IN NEW YORK CITY

“You have to look at people when you say bye to them.”

-A father to his (probably) four-year-old daughter.

 

“You can’t do this. You’re using your own money for this.”

-A father to his (probably) nine-year-old daughter pulling one dollar bills out of her pocket at a mall in Brooklyn.

 

“Yes, it’s going to get dark.”

“Like, very very dark?”

“Yeah. Very dark.”

-A mother and her (probably) three-year-old son who became noticeably excited about darkness on the subway that proceeded to go through the tunnels.

 

“Kiki, that is a coaster.”

-A father to his (probably) two-year-old son holding a coaster.

 

“If we all look out for each other, then hopefully we’ll all be okay.”

-A mother to her four young children explaining the “If you see something say something” MTA announcement.

“Please eat this.”

-A mother to her (probably) three-year-old daughter spinning barstools in a pizza shop.

“PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW. AYE.”

-A father to his (probably) two-year old son holding a brick next to a pigeon. The boy did put the brick down and the pigeon was not harmed.

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THE IDEAL CANDIDATE IS A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF YOUR SOUL 

The ideal candidate will be a perfectionist and inherently driven. We want you to be a self-starter that takes the ball and runs with it. In fact, leave the country with the ball, create an alias, and start a new life with it.  Do not return with the ball.

You will be able to enthusiastically generate ideas under pressure. It is highly encouraged that you can do this without food or water breaks, but it is not required. We prefer not to be reminded that you are a fleshy meat sack with student debt and emotional needs.

Strong communication, high anticipation, and super intuitive skills are a must. (Not required, but it’s a huge plus if you can just read minds.)

You must work well in groups, but refrain from inappropriate human contact such as following each other on Instagram. Please fight the urge to describe a funny YouTube video you once saw.

We encourage you to confidently measure your success defined by hours worked overtime and the amount of times you’ve silently cried in the bathroom.

Come prepared to ward off negative thoughts and possible demons that may encourage you to jump from the roof (huge plus).

Anything listed as a “plus” is so highly suggested that it is practically required.

Fun Office Culture:

There is a La Croix vending machine in the break room, but there is only one flavor and it is coconut.

-Rejected from The New Yorker Shouts and Murmurs-

 
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IS IT A LOOSE STRAND OF HAIR OR A SPIDER?

  1. You’re driving on the highway going 75 miles per hour when you feel a sudden itch on your calf. Your hands tighten your grip on the steering wheel and your forehead breaks into a sweat. Is it a strand of loose hair or a spider?

  2. You’re in a movie theater on a date when you feel a slight tickle on your forearm. It’s dark and your date has interlocked his fingers with yours, rendering you weaponless to flick off what you feel is squirming into your arm hairs. You feel paralyzed. Is it a hair or is it a spider?

  3. You’re interviewing for your dream job when you feel something crawl down the small of your back. You sit up straight and push against your chair to crush whatever may be there. Your potential boss asks you how you handle work under pressure. You feel something crawling again. Is it a hair or is it a spider?

  4. You are on a crowded subway pinched against a tall, sweaty man with earbuds in and an old woman warning you to not step on her toes. The train abruptly stops and the conductor informs the passengers that the train should be moving shortly. The lights go out and you feel something touch your ankle. Is it a hair or is it a spider?

  5. You’re in the shower when you feel something on the back of your thigh—WHEN WILL YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THE SPIDER UPRISING IS COMING???

    (Answers: 1. Spider. 2. Spider. 3. Spider. 4. Spider. 5. Wait, that was actually a strand of hair.)

THE GREATEST ACTION MOVIE

(Not necessarily in order)

Tom Cruise running at full speed.

Forest Whitaker yelling at you to get in the car.

Jason Statham tilting his head and asking if you think he’s crazy.

A tornado that comes between Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and his family.

Jeff Bridges as a detective, always one step behind.

Tilda Swinton wearing a turtleneck.

A frantic Will Smith behind the wheel of a bus he doesn’t know how to drive.

Benicio Del Toro smoking a cigarette and not saying anything.

Keanu Reeves reloading guns.

Charlize Theron fist fighting someone up ten flights of stairs.

Joaquin Phoenix with PTSD.

Bruce Willis yelling at you to get out of the car.

At least twenty sharks, and at one point they must be transported through New York City by car. The reason is not clear, but Paul Walker’s ghost is the driver.

RIP PAUL WALKER

 
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DIRTY NEW YORKER CARTOONS


Dracula is on a date with a human at a fine dining restaurant. The sommelier has approached the table, but Dracula is saying something to his date.

The caption: “I vwant to suck your dick.”

In heaven, God stands next to a Pekingese dog and points to it. The dog seems upset. Angels surround God and his new creation. One angel is whispering to another.

The caption: “And on this day he said ‘Fuck it.’”

Ivan Pavlov is in his backyard with a bell in one hand and a steaming cup of coffee in the other. His pack of dogs wait before him and one seems to be talking to another.

The caption: “I need to take a shit.”

 
 
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